Feedback Wanted

[Charon]

Hi. :)

So, I've been trying to get back in the habit of actually doing some creative writing. I've had an idea rolling around in my head for some time and I'm finally getting it out of my head but it's been a while and I'm a little out of practice so I wanted to run it by some of you while it's still in the early stages just to see how it goes down.

So here's the thing. I've been working on it for two months so far on and off in my spare time and what I have here are the first two chapters. Chapter one is first revision, chapter two is first draft so there may be changes when I go back and polish it later but what I'm really interested in is some initial thoughts. You can give me as much or as little as you want tbh, the main thing I wanna know is, if you happened to pick this up and read it, would it interest you enough to continue reading?
If you want to give more in depth feedback that would be great, I'd be especially interested in whether the flow of information (lorewise) is too quick or slow, particularly around the scenes where the four take watches. It also doesn't really have a title yet as I want something that makes it clear that it's about Dwarves but haven't settled on anything specific.

Anyways, here's a link to a downloadable PDF which is probably the easiest way of getting this out there. It's about 13 pages (just shy of 10'000 words) so probably too much to paste into a forum post but if you want it in another format let me know. We're up to 32500 words roughly. ¬¬ That's about halfway to being an actual novel. XD
49k ish word count. We've come so far!

https://u.pcloud.link/publink/show?code ... sbYS3h7HqX

70k words and we're finished. Link is here until the 12th November.

Thanks. :)

[Grodech]

Managed to find the time for Chapter 1. I think I'm already hooked.

[Charon]

XD Well that's promising. Honestly, I often suffer from that thing of after I've read it 20 or 30 times I lose track of what whether it's any good so it's nice to see what people think on a first read.
I'm not a particularly quick writer (I tend to let the ideas marinate in my brain til they're soft and juicy) but I will likely release more in the future when I'm further in. I'm hoping this will be a nice little novella though who knows, maybe it will be slightly longer.
Anyways, thanks for finding the time. :)

[Cmdr Maxwell]

First chapter is pretty good, sets up the scene quite well. I can see one of the things that inspired you here xD friggin' Deep Rock Galactic

[Cmdr Maxwell]

as discussed on steam:

premise is interesting, prose is okay although a tad weak or unclear in parts (some sentences didn't flow right, for example). Fav part was with the different perspective during the rotation of who was on alert

[Charon]

Yes, I'll be interested to see if those Bulganisms still jar as the story unfolds. If they do, I may clean them up on my main revision pass and replace them with straight narration.

[Charon]

Well, it's the last day of Feb, which is where I promised myself I'd share where I was up to for more feedback.
I've updated the link on post one to point to the current document (Chapters 1 to 7). You can also click here.
https://u.pcloud.link/publink/show?code ... AerhKOhxlV

Bear in mind this is draft. The current section it ends at isn't finished and some things are definitely gonna get reworked. The conversation between Grannit and Bressska for example just kind of peters out because I need to get a bit further ahead with those two so I can go back and seed that convo better.

However, please do have a read if you have the time. It's 34 pages of A4 now which is apparently only 22 thousand words, so not exactly massive. I'm interested in overall thoughts on the story as well as specific thoughts on what is good, what is shit, etc. It's all helpful.

Other things to consider. Is Bressska'sss voice too annoying? Is Din's fight good or does it finish too quickly? I kinda like the fact that he clearly outclasses this punk and locks him down pretty swiftly and efficiently, but who knows.

Anyways, I'll stop rambling.

Thank you very much.

[Grodech]

Looks good to me. I think Din's fight is perfect. Not too long - showing his skills effectively. Bressska's talk is a little annoying, but not difficult to get through.

[Charon]

She has three key vocal changes. All hard Gs at the start of a word are Ks. All Ts are replaced with voiceless THs and all S sounds are extra sibilant. :D
I wasn't sure if the Ts was too much but it just feels more snakelike to me. Glad it seems easier to read than it is to write. ¬¬

[Cmdr Maxwell]

How's this going, made anymore progress?

[Charon]

Nope. XD
You of all people know how thinly spread I am at the moment. :P
It's on my radar though and will get updated when life calms down a bit.

[Charon]

URL in main post updated with preview copy of chapters 1 through 10. Hoping to find the time to keep adding to this for a little while. Nice to finally make some progress. ^^ I have also touched up the first seven chapters with a hefty revision pass so there are likely some small changes since last time you read it.

[Charon]

Main post URL updated. We're at 12 chapters and 40'500 words.
Working title is now Stoneborn. Lore about the Veldar, the greys and Dwarven history has finally dropped into place though there's still more to reveal. We're moving towards the endgame now I feel.

[Charon]

General update. Chapter 13 finished. Minor revision to come relating to Din's activities in Chapter 12 (he'll be tracking the kvarn rather than visiting the ravine. The onyx cave encounter will remain). Will be uploading a version with chapter 13 in the next couple of days.
I've also finished sketching out the rest of the arc and all going well Chapter 17 will close out the book.

EDIT: Main post link updated to Chapter 13 preview.
Reproduced here for convenience.
https://u.pcloud.link/publink/show?code ... K7BjkUlBJ7

[Charon]

Oh boy, Chapter Fourteen was a biggy. Updating main post with link to current version.
Word count around 49k now I believe. Weird to think that it's coming to the end. XD

Anyways, here's a convenience link.
https://u.pcloud.link/publink/show?code ... r5f5s6hvu7

[Charon]

Just an update. I am deep in chapter 16 (with some of 17 written as well). The next update will drop when the whole thing is finished. The biggest change is that some of the historical dates have changed with regards to the building of the Hub and the surrounding outposts to make the timeline with the Hive War match up better.

Once it's done I'll post that version here but then I'll be going through with my editing pants on so there will likely be one further update once I consider that complete.

Currently sitting at 56k words. :O

[Charon]

Just an update. I'm inching ever closer. Turns out I wrote more than expected. Chapter 16 is massive and I need to split it, will be interested to see where you guys think the split should be once I upload.
67k words at the mo and motoring through chapter 17. XD Watch this space. :P

[Charon]

Blammo.
https://u.pcloud.link/publink/show?code ... sbYS3h7HqX

Here is the finished draft. I'm now moving into the editing phase so this is pretty much your last chance to give feedback before we hit the final version. Very grateful of any typos, grammatical errors or continuity errors you find and report. Also interested in general thoughts including where to split the massive chapter 16. Favourite bits, least favourite bits, feedback in general, it's all good.
As this is the final draft I'm only gonna leave it up for a short while (probably a week) so even if you don't plan on reading it immediately be sure to download it before it's too late!

Thanks. :)

BTW, if you are reporting typos/grammar etc, please take note of the page number. ¬¬ Thanks.